Last week I was pureeing a tomato sauce with my shiny new immersion blender, and decided to taste for salt with my left index finger. I had turned off the blender, of course, but my right hand slipped and hit the ON button. In one second, the walls of my kitchen resembled the set of a slasher flick, and my finger had been cut almost to the bone.
I was lucky—twice daily cleaning with alcohol and a box of Band-Aids later the wound has closed. As I wiped up the trails of blood from the kitchen to the medicine chest, I had, for me, a moment of brilliant clarity.
The kitchen is Mission Control for most families, and it is where most household accidents happen. Why, oh why, don’t we all keep our first aid kits in the kitchen rather than in a bathroom? The basics could fit in a big coffee mug: antiseptic wipes, bandages, burn cream, an eyewash thingie, and a pair of tweezers.
As soon as I submit this article, I swear I’m going to assemble one in the big blue mug used only for oatmeal.
With the season of holiday cooking mere weeks away, let’s review a few basic principles, easily forgotten when six cooks are crowding the counter.
You know them all, as I know not to run a digit through a blender, but in the holiday hustle to get food to the festive board, there’s many a slip between the cranberry sauce and the lip.
Like slipping! I’ve had a couple of full frontal pratfalls because I hadn’t noticed a puddle of hot turkey fat—watch for spills and wipe ‘em up.
Don’t reflexively grab for a falling knife! (I’ve never done this myself, but several friends with high IQs and kitchen savvy have, and in two cases it involved a trip to the ER,) Never cook in bare feet or socks—see hot fat and falling knives above.
Keep the tea towels and potholders far from the flames, but not too far. I’m one of too many cooks to count who have pulled a pan from the oven with bare hands. I have never dropped the food, but after the first three seconds, when the roast is resting on the counter I’ve almost gone into shock, if shock can ever involve howling. Using a damp tea towel rather than a dry one will feel just like bare hands if you use it as a potholder.
On to the dessert course, which sounds safe enough. Har! If you have a powerful stand mixer and long hair, pull those locks into a ponytail.
True story: a woman I know did surgery time because her hair got entwined in the dough hook of her Kitchen Aid and removed a six-inch section of scalp. I shudder just recalling it.
I hang out in life and online with lots of cooks and chefs, who all tell, with ghoulish gusto, about kitchen mishaps. Second only to lopping off fingers, close encounters of the worst kinds with chile peppers top the list. No blood, no welts, so stitches, no scars, just screaming, searing pain.
When you’ve chopped up those jalapenos, serranos or scotch bonnets, wash your hands as if you are about to perform an appendectomy on your grandmother. If my husband had done this, I wouldn’t have heard shrieks and curses from the powder room a minute later. I know three other guys who have learned this the hard way.
Then there’s the girlfriend who popped out her contacts and couldn’t see for three excruciating hours, only to repeat it the next morning. The active ingredient of capsicum can never be fully removed from soft contacts. Speaking of contacts, you can rub the hot stuff off on innocent bystanders —think babies here!
Keep calm and carry on carefully in the kitchen, my friends. And never forget: remove blender from pot first, then insert (well-scrubbed) finger.
It’s Taco Friday in my house, and I’m going to whip up a batch of Rick Bayless’s easy, tasty spicy Salsa Mexicana. Then I’m going to wash my hands for the time it takes to hum La Bamba.
SALSA MEXICANA
Ingredients
Two medium white onion, chopped into 1/4-inch pieces
Hot green chiles to taste (usually one to two serranos or one small jalapeño), stemmed, seeded (if you wish) and finely chopped
12 ounces (about two medium-small round or four to five plum) red-ripe tomatoes, chopped into 1/4-inch pieces
Two to three tablespoons (loosely packed) chopped fresh cilantro (thick bottom stems cut off)
About two tablespoons fresh lime juice
Preparation
Scoop the onion into a strainer, rinse under cold tap water, shake off the excess and transfer to a medium bowl.
Add the green chile, tomatoes, cilantro and lime.
Stir well, taste and season with salt, usually about 1/2 teaspoon.
Cover and refrigerate until you are ready to serve.
